I’m willing to bet that at some point all of us have experienced some kind of issue at the gym that required speaking to your coach in order to best solve the problem. Perhaps you had an issue with another member, with the equipment, with your programming, or with the way your coach communicated with you. Those are pretty understandable examples, but what’s also pretty understandable is that a lot of us don’t like confrontation and therefore refrain from addressing our issues. We don’t want to upset our coach. We worry they might retaliate somehow, if we do speak up. We sometimes even convince ourselves that speaking up will make the matter worse. So we let the problem linger, and it often grows bigger.

Building Resentment

When we let problems linger, resentment can start to breed. Not only does resentment create negative emotions – which can impact our performance at the gym, but it also begin to generalize to other things. For example, you might have an issue with only one thing or one person at first, but over time, that resentment will bleed out so that you start to experience multi-tiered issues or start having problems with multiple people. Once that starts to happen, it’s much harder to reverse the damage.

Communication Style

A common barrier to finding the courage to address a problem is that people sometimes lack an assertive communication style, which is typically the most effective type of communication style. Assertiveness is when someone is honest, direct, and aware of other people’s feelings and needs while confidently articulating his or her own feelings and needs. It’s also one of the hardest communication styles to implement, as it requires you to be willing to find a compromise without becoming too aggressive or too passive. But when implemented effectively, you’re most likely get what you need while maintaining positive relationships with others.  

How to Be Assertive

Understanding the definition of assertive communication is one thing; actually implementing it is another. But have no fear! There’s a pretty simple script you can follow that often yields amazing results. All you have to do is remember the word (well, it’s technically a pneumonic device) DEAR:

Describe the situation. This should be brief and to the point, without pointing the finger at anyone (ex: “I have been doing my very best to follow my programming, but I am not seeing the results I was hoping to see.”)

Express your feelings. Think of one word that describes the emotion you’re feeling. (ex: “I’m starting to feel a little frustrated.”

Assert what you’d like to see happen. This is where you make your suggested solution be known without being aggressive or passive. (ex: “I was wondering if we might be able to sit down and review my programming to see if we can make some changes.”)

Reinforce what you want, without being demanding. If necessary, set an ultimatum. (ex: “Because I don’t want to feel frustrated when I come to the gym. I want to crush my goals!”)

Things to Keep In Mind

It’s amazing how well the DEAR approach works! It’s even more amazing when you keep the following tips in mind as well:

Eye contact. Assertive communication style includes good eye contact. But don’t stare them down! A good rule of thumb is to make eye contact for three seconds before briefly looking away and then coming back to eye contact again.

Body posture. Demonstrate confidence in your message by standing up straight. Don’t slouch your shoulders, don’t hang your head. Think mountain pose in yoga.

Gesture. Use these to your advantage. Use your hands to appear collaborative and welcoming, such as by clasping your hands to demonstrate team work (or maybe to demonstrate humble begging…). DO NOT point your fingers or use any other aggressive gestures.

Voice. Demonstrate confidence, sincerity, and kindness through your voice. Don’t whisper and don’t yell.

Content. Remain cognizant that oftentimes it’s not what you say but how you say it. Think about when someone compliments your shirt. If they say it funny, you may find yourself wondering if they are being sarcastic or serious. Keep that in mind when you’re speaking. Ensure what you say is how you wish for it to come across.

Timing. Think about when it might be best to approach the person with whom you want to speak. You really want to speak with them when they are most likely to hear your message and are not distracted by the environment or their own emotions.  

Avoid the word “you.” Do everything you can to avoid saying “you,” as it often elicits immediate defensiveness from the other party. Do your very best to use “I” more often than “you.”  

Choose “and” over “but.” You also will want to try to delete the word “but” from your vocabulary when trying to be assertive. “But” often ends up negating whatever it is you are trying to say, and your message will very quickly be lost. Instead, use “and.” It’s one of those small words that makes a colossal difference.

Give It a Try

Now that I have laid out some handy dandy tools for you, it’s your turn to use them. Don’t worry about getting it perfect the first time. These things take practice. And just imagine all the amazing benefits you are going to reap with this kind of communication pattern!